The End of the Affair

And so I find closure at last: I will never meet the girl who inspired three of my latest songs; the girl who gave new impetus to my life; the girl who reminded me of who I really am.

We will never share the 3am suppers I can only dream she would spontaneously call me out for, as she does with her friends; nor will we colonise abandoned buildings with our reckless laughter. We will not even meet up for lunch in school.

(No it's not romantic; it never was for either of us.)

It's not that she's distancing herself from me. She still feels the same connection we felt months ago, and she still thinks it would be nice if we could meet...sometime. Meanwhile, she's too busy to think as she pours herself across more activities than she can handle. And besides, she now tells me that meeting up and hanging out is too narrow and conventional a view of friendship.

I don't know if it's a problem with me, in that I keep meeting girls like that; or whether it's a problem with short, intense, intensely chic, attractive, atheistic literature-theatre type girls who fall hopelessly in love with everything that makes them feel larger than they really are, even if it pulls them to pieces.

Is she a tragic figure? Does she do this because she thinks there's no one thing that can satisfy her existential emptiness, even if there is? Is that why she's had at least four boyfriends in the last 2 years? Is the fact that she's comfortable with leaving it at faceless, soundless communication--just like the girl before her--something she genuinely feels, or is it an excuse borne of contingency, that's grown to become a self-fulfilled reality?

I'll never know. I'm just glad that I don't have to waste time waiting for her anymore.